So I've been home for about a month and a half. I am still struggling to get back in the groove and slide smoothly through the days. I am having trouble with motivation and remembering things. I hate forgetting meetings and lunches and when to put out the recycling.
I have days when I do lots of things and days when I do nothing. It is hard not to compare this grieving period with the one after my brother died. Then I was twenty and had no real responsibilities. Now I have to keep it together for my family and keep things running as smoothly as possible. I am finding it very difficult to let go and cry or feel any emotion at all. I am afraid that I will never stop. So I just keep plugging away with bursts of activity and spots of sluggishness. I guess I will even out one day.
One of the things that I have started is taking a picture of Littlest every school day. Some days we have long "photo shoots" some days only time to snap a few quick pics.
So I haven't been posting. I guess I got out of the habit over the summer. I also just flat out don't know what to write about. I really don't want to talk about the summer or my Mom or her death or the fact that I am still hurt and angry about the fact that many friends and family were and have been MIA during this whole thing or any of that. I would rather have my toenails pulled out than talk about how I [insert really whiny tone] feeeeeelllllll. So since that is really all I think about, that doesn't leave much to talk about.
I have been running around starting projects and not finishing them in an effort to keep from thinking. And listening to audio books. Lots and lots of audio books, that way I have to think about the book while I scrub the toilet and not about how much I miss my mom and how much I hate everyone else and how much this all sucks.
So in an effort to get this started again ( and honestly maybe actually learn to express some feelings now and then) here are the current unfinished projects.
I taught myself how to crochet a granny square, but I only made the one! I wanted to learn how so I could make this...
blanket for breezy. It is huge, and is going to take forever!
Made clips for the Girlies, I DID finish these! Oh, and I finished THESE too.
Learned how to make fabric rosettes for this...
frame that I am going to decorate and fill with black and whites for Littlest's room. I have been working on this for a couple of years now.
Made a Saints Nation wooden flag for my door. This one is waiting for the vanish to dry before I can hang it on the front door. It still needs something, I just don't know what yet. It will come to me.
Look close, there is a tadpole/frog on that leaf. We have been "growing" these all summer. This one still has it's tail.
And last but not least I need to attatch these beauties to hair elastics and headbands for my godchild.
[this is much more serious than my usual posts. I feel a need to get this out there. I will try to back to my usual crafty, fun self sometime.]
And you have a right to risk your health.
But do you have the right to put your loved ones through the hell that is dying of lung cancer?
Do you have the right to ask someone you love to clean you after you soil yourself because you lost the use of your lower body because of the cancer eating your spine?
Do you have the right to make your children's last memories of you ones in which you are screaming at them in pain as they turn you in the bed to prevent pressure wounds?
Do you have the right to make them listen helplessly to you struggle for breath, turning blue and fighting for even the smallest stream of air?
Do you have the right to hurt them to the core because while they are struggling to care for you, you can't even remember who they are because your brain is eaten away with cancer?
Do you have the right to ask your loved ones to give up their lives to nurse you?
Do you have the right to heap guilt on the heads on those same loved ones because they have families of their own that they have to take care of and work of their own to do and thus are pulled in multiple directions and no matter what they do someone is getting neglected?
Do you really think you can't quit? Or do you just not want to struggle though it? Do you love cigarettes more than your family? Do you want them to fully believe that you love the cigarettes more than them?
Sure you can smoke two packs a day and die at age 99 in your sleep. Odds are, however, that someone you love is going to have to nurse you as you die of a smoking related disease. Or pay through the nose for someone else to do it for them.
Do you really want to do that to the people who love you, to those children you say you love more than life itself, those grandchildren you say you would do anything for?
Smoking NEVER just affects you, and it goes far beyond the dangers of second hand smoke.
Posts will be spotty and few between for a while. My Mom, who some of you will remember from Confessions, has been ill. In trying to find out what was wrong with her the Doctors discovered that her lung cancer had moved into her brain.
I am burning up the roads between her town and mine so that I can take care of her and the rest of my family. Luckily we only live about and hour and half from my parents. They still live in the house that I grew up in so that's kind of cool.
Stress and tempers are high. I just got in a fight with my Dad, who I never ever fight with. If fact my Mom complains that I never get mad or upset with him only her. I actually hung up on him. He was being such an ass. Of course, so was I. It only goes to show how we have to be careful with each other.
To add to the stress, two of my girls are sick. Middlest stayed home today so I couldn't go to my parents and take care of them. Dad is having to do it all on his own. I think that contributed to the tantrum we both threw argument we had.
I am going to have to suck it up and put on my big girl pants and call and apologize.
I Confess...
I am so thankful to Mamarazzi and Glamazon for hosting this weekly link, it is my favorite day (sometimes the only day) to post. Thank you ladies!!!
I Confess...
I have a weird psychic link with Mojo. Earlier this week I had Swingin' on a Star stuck in my head, for no apparent reason. Come to find out Mojo put Hudson Hawk on his iPad that day at his office. Weird and a little creepy!
I Confess...
That I moved the pineapple plantation outdoors. I was cool with it until little gnatty bugs started flying up out of the stupid organic soil that Mojo bought for them. Which leads me to...
I Confess...
That the whole "Organic" thing bugs the crap out of me! An apple is by its very nature organic! I get that it's better not to put all the crap in our ecosystem and bodies, but I just hate the organic police. I am feeding a family of five, price matters too! And just how good for you can processed goldfish and mac n cheese actually be?
I Confess...
That I too fudge my to do list. BUT I have an excuse. I am highly distractab.... oooooh look something shiny! WAIT,no, where was I? Oh yeah, I often get distracted from one task to do something else that I see that is simply screaming to be done. So when I do something not on the list, I write in in and cross it out in one fell swoop. Yesterday I doubled my list doing that. I do go back and finish whatever I was originally doing, because I wrote it down on the list so I wouldn't forget.
I Confess...
Because of the aforementioned distractibility I suspect that I may or may not have adult ADD. That or I just have the attention span of a gnat. or a magpie. Your pick.
I further Confess...
That I often leave my list nonchalantly laying out on the counter where Mojo might just happen to see it and see all the things I have accomplished that day.
I Confess...
I started my first Mod- Podge project yesterday. It may or may not get tossed in the trash. We'll see. We will also see if I actually finish it.
I Confess...
That I made a heroic effort and did not say "I told you so" to my parents earlier this week. I did however do the I told you so dance all over the kitchen as soon as I hung the phone up. This makes me a badbad person because I told my Mom she was too sick to make a long road trip and that I thought it was a bad idea. She had to stop the first day and turn around and come back. So after I did the dance I felt like I was celebrating my Moms ill health and not the fact that yet again she did not listen to me and yet again I was right! See it even sounds bad!
I Confess...
That these confessions are way random and that is just how I am rolling today!
I Confess...
That I could do this all day, but I am going to plop Littlest into her stroller and take that girlie on a long walk in the cool weather before the blazing heat comes back to eat us all up!
