New Traditions

Every year on the last day of school I attack the girls as they get off the bus. And the annual "Last day of School Water Balloon Fight" commences.  This year as the Christmas holidays loomed toward me, I cast around looking for things to lighten me up and make me enjoy the Hols. I thought about the water balloon fight and about the fact that it was winter. I thought about the fact that the big girls don't catch the bus in out front yard anymore but down the street on someone else's corner.

I remembered something I saw on Pintrest. I didn't pin it at the time because I went back and looked for it for this post and could not find it. Anyway... it was a snowball fight in a can! I thought that is perfect. I can hide it behind the front door and bomb them when they walk in! So I went out and bought a Christmas tin shaped like a paint can and some white yarn. I spent one evening making big white Pompoms. I put it all together and hid it from my children.

And then I waited for the big day.


Only....

I forgot all about it.

Yep! I got sick with an inner ear imbalance caused by a prescription medicine and spent some time feeling dizzy and sick and throwing up and sleeping for days. And when the new medicine started to work and I felt a little better and finally like I could maybe drive again, Break was upon me and I forgot all about it in the frantic rush to catch up with all that I hadn't been able to do while living the worst hangover known to man. { and can I just say that it was HORRIBLE! and horribly unfair that I felt that way and I don't even drink that much! Like hardly ever! Not counting the company Christmas party, which is only once a year anyway!}

Nope, I had hidden the can in a tote filled to the brim with hidden presents and did not find it until Christmas eve. Doh!

So I decided that we would use it on New Years Eve! And that is what we did and the kids loved it. They want to do it every year now. so It is our new tradition. We don't have many for New Years. Really only the food stuff and the smashing of the gingerbread house. THAT is a subject for another post!

Where's Reggie

Meet Reginald Zelf the Christmas Elf. Reggie for short.
He has been very busy this Christmas season!

The most wonderful time of year....Maybe, sorta, not always

I set myself up. I really really did. I let my optimism get the better of me, or maybe it was wishful thinking. Or just total willful blindness.

I thought "Oh, this is great. Christmas. My mom hated Christmas, I can do this holiday, no problem! She was never here for the decorating or the movie watching or the baking or anything. Christmas eve and morning will be hard, but the rest of it? Piece. Of. Cake."

I know, I know. I can hear you shaking your heads from here. I own waterfront property on the river "Denial"!

So, I go bounding upstairs to the Christmas attic. (does it tell you anything, the fact that I have an attic dedicated to Christmas?) I pull out the first bin and in it, right on top, is this...

My mom made it when my brother and I were little. She couldn't get rid of it when she got rid of her other Christmas decorations after my brother died, but she couldn't keep it either, so it came to live with me years ago.
It has hung in pride of place over all my Christmases ever since.

The next things were these...

Mom gave me one and Mojo the other the year we moved into this house, one for each twin to inherit one day.
Then when I was digging around looking for my red and white ball ornaments (which I still haven't found) I ran into the nativity scene.

My dad made the manger from an apple crate the first year they were married and my mom had the Fontanini Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. Only she got rid of all the figures and only kept the manger. I found it in the attic and adopted it and it has been mine ever since. Only all the figures have been replaced by my mom, who gives us a new piece every year. All Fontanini. It now takes up the whole top of the buffet in the den. It is turning in to a small town, with a bakery and palm trees and lots of animals. Only I am not sure it I can stand to put it out this year. The Nativity was the only thing she put out each year. She bought several to replace the family one because she just couldn't put it out any more after my brother died. We used to play with the figures and animals and spend hours with it. I understand why she put it aside. I am blown away realizing what she did for me in letting me start it up again. In giving me pieces for it each year. She wanted her grandgirls to have memories or it and take pieces of it to start their own collections in time.

I really, really want to put it out this year, I just don't know if I can.

I am also now terrified of the land mine that was once the Christmas attic. I had no idea how much my mom is interwoven in my Christmases. I have no idea how I am going to keep diving in and getting sucker punched. But I have kids who I love more than life itself.  They deserve to have the very best Christmas I can give them. So into the breach I go.

Wish me luck.

Peppermint Popcorn - or Pinterest Tuesday

Okay, so like so many of us I have gotten addicted to Pinterest. I finally got tired of just pinning things several months ago and started to actually try some of the things I have pinned.

I also have been having trouble finding inspiration and motivation to post on here (as you can tell) so this evening as I was making the peppermint popcorn that I found through Pinterest I decided to make it a feature.

This particular pin came from Skip to my Lou , and may I say that I have fallen in love with this blog and have become a follower. So many many wonderful ideas!

So I am not going to give a step by step, 'cause she does that wonderfully well. I'm just gonna say that this stuff is YUMMY, and then go stuff my face!

Becoming better, not bitter

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the people in my life lately. I have so many many people who love me and support me and who are there for me though thick and thin. Even with their own busy lives and hard times they are always there to lend a hand or a shoulder or cheer me on.
So why am I so focused on the ones who have let me down? Why do I brood upon the people in my life who have taken far more than they have given? Why do I feel the urge to call them out? What I really want to do is to just get on with my life and honor those who are with me and just let go of the others. The ones who talk and don't listen, who never call to check on you but are always there when THEY need a sympathetic ear or shoulder. The ones who are nowhere to be found when you hit hard times. The ones who think an obligatory pat on the shoulder, short resentful phone call, or some other duty driven sign of attention is all they need to do.

I know it is because I want them to realize how very very hurtful their behavior is. I want them to know that they aren't the wonderful folks they think they are. Mostly these are the ones who showed up for my Mom's funeral or just gave me a quick call and then faded into the ether. Or even worse, the "family" I still haven't heard a word from three months after my Mothers death.
I keep seeing these "life quotes" you know the ones, "When people show you who they are believe them." and "sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care they'll notice and if they don't, you know where you stand." you know those ones. It has me thinking that rather than worry about what other people "show me" (because they think they are just marvelous), I want to worry about what I show other people. I want to be the type of person I expect other people to be, and just let go of the ones who aren't there and can't be bothered. I don't have them in my life in any meaningful way anyway so I really don't need to worry about their feelings or expectations now.  I can't change people who see their own navel as the center of the universe, I can only make sure that MY OWN navel does not become the center of mine.

Back in the groove

So I've been home for about a month and a half.  I am still struggling to get back in the groove and slide smoothly through the days. I am having trouble with motivation and remembering things. I hate forgetting meetings and lunches and when to put out the recycling.

I have days when I do lots of things and days when I do nothing.  It is hard not to compare this grieving period with the one after my brother died.  Then I was twenty and had no real responsibilities. Now I have to keep it together for my family and keep things running as smoothly as possible. I am finding it very difficult to let go and cry or feel any emotion at all. I am afraid that I will never stop. So I just keep plugging away with bursts of activity and spots of sluggishness. I guess I will even out one day.

One of the things that I have started is taking a picture of Littlest every school day. Some days we have long "photo shoots" some days only time to snap a few quick pics.

Here is my favorite so far...

Bits n Bobs

So I haven't been posting. I guess I got out of the habit over the summer. I also just flat out don't know what to write about. I really don't want to talk about the summer or my Mom or her death or the fact that I am still hurt and angry about the fact that many friends and family were and have been MIA during this whole thing or any of that. I would rather have my toenails pulled out than talk about how I [insert really whiny tone] feeeeeelllllll. So since that is really all I think about, that doesn't leave much to talk about.

I have been running around starting projects and not finishing them in an effort to keep from thinking. And listening to audio books. Lots and lots of audio books, that way I have to think about the book while I scrub the toilet and not about how much I miss my mom and how much I hate everyone else and how much this all sucks.

So in an effort to get this started again ( and honestly maybe actually learn to express some feelings now and then) here are the current unfinished projects.

I taught myself how to crochet a granny square, but I only made the one! I wanted to learn how so I could make this...

blanket for breezy. It is huge, and is going to take forever!

Made clips for the Girlies, I DID finish these! Oh, and I finished THESE too.

Learned how to make fabric rosettes for this...

frame that I am going to decorate and fill with black and whites for Littlest's room. I have been working on this for a couple of years now.

Made a Saints Nation wooden flag for my door. This one is waiting for the vanish to dry before I can hang it on the front door. It still needs something, I just don't know what yet. It will come to me.

Look close, there is a tadpole/frog on that leaf. We have been "growing" these all summer. This one still has it's tail.

And last but not least I need to attatch these beauties to hair elastics and headbands for my godchild.

Guess I better go finish some of these up.